Identity

Identity is such a vague word with so many different chapters. My passport is Indian, but my roots are Persian and in the middle of it all is this huge question, who am I? Will I ever figure it out? I am Brown but not quite, I am Persian but not quite. Where I stand is still unclear. I feel torn between who I am. Especially between India and Iran. I get lost within the languages I speak and end up speaking all of them at once. I struggle with explaining my beliefs to other people. What label do I even fit under? I got so tired of explaining how my ethnicity is that of a completely different country than my nationality that I stuck to saying I am Indian instead. But that didn’t help either. Deep down I knew, it was not me. I am Middle Eastern and South Asian both. Growing up with this kind of background made me feel uncomfortable speaking my own language in a country where Farsi was majorly spoken for several hundred years. It might not be my first language, but it is mine. It is what I have most memories of from my childhood and yet I refrained from speaking it. Even in school when asked what my first language is, my answer was a hesitant “English?”

When I came to Australia, I was reluctant to bring up my ethnicity. People in my own country wouldn’t understand, how will it be any different here? I once again simply said I’m Indian. It felt so wrong to do that. I knew who I say I am, is not me. One month into my stay, I was on video call with my grandma. During that conversation, I was speaking in Persian, and I realised how much I missed it. How easy it was for me to slip back into a language I love and how much I have been holding back. I started to be more open about my ethnicity. When asked where I am from, my answer is “My nationality is Indian but I’m ethnically Persian.” I don’t feel shy about who I am and how difficult it is to understand. I take the time to explain instead. I choose to be unapologetically myself because in doing so I am most happy.

People say identity is something you are born with and not something you acquire. I say people don’t know what they are talking about. Identity is what you build as time goes by. Its personal, it’s my memories and experiences whether it be good or bad. Identity is the values I live by, it’s the amalgamation of everything I have ever known and will reshape with everything I am to learn. Not caring about what people think of me when I am being me is part of my identity now. And I absolutely love it. It took a while for me to be open and proud of who I am, just a Brown-Persian-Muslim girl.